“I apologize
for causing such a ruckus
last night
with your brother and your mother.
I feel
on the inside
like
the little grey cat sounds
on the outside
when he is begging for food.
I know
it was just a dumb card game rule.”
A Card Game Rule. A Rummy Rule. A Ruckus Over a Rummy Rule. Ruminating on a Ruckus Over a Rummy Rule. Regretfully Ruminating on a Ruckus Over a Rummy Rule. Retrospectively and Regretfully Ruminating on a Ruckus Over a Rummy Rule!
Was rum involved? Oh. Not rum, no.
But drinks were had. Not over the top drinking. Not wasted. Not shit-faced drunk. But enough to lower the inhibitions. Enough to affect judgment. Does this happen often? It does not happen often, no. The poor judgement, that is. I am not left to apologize for my actions often. It has been known to happen. From time to time. I am human after all. I am not perfect.
And the drinking? Like I said, I am not perfect.
Sometimes, lately, I am left feeling without purpose. Sometimes, I am left feeling like I have nothing to do. Sometimes, I am bored. So sometimes, I pass the time. To fill the parts of the day that are not sleep or work. A job I am not fond of. This is a pattern. Being not fond of jobs. But I try to do good work. Doing good at something I do not love. I have made a career out of it. And now retirement is not far off.
So, I try and complain less. I try to grin and bear it. Just for a while longer. Sometimes I think I can find a job that makes me happy. I even think about going after it. And then I think more about it. Will I make enough money? Would they really want to hire me? Would I really be good at it? And then I settle back into the next day’s task. And then the opportunity has passed.
What would make me happy? That is a difficult question to pin down.
I have had answers in the past. But then, as I have said, I settle back into the next day’s task. And when that day’s task is complete, and work and dinner are over,
I wait until it is time to go to bed. Before I start the whole day over again, I make myself a drink and sit at the same spot on the couch, perfecting the art of ass impressions in couch cushions; and I watch the same television show that I have watched many, many times before.
And now we have gotten way off track. I do that sometimes.
“Sometimes
I fixate on proving my point and being right
rather than
being a better person and letting it go.
In those moments
taking a step back and looking
at the larger picture
becomes difficult for me.
Not realizing
I am embarrassing you
in front
of your college friend.
Not listening
to you apologize to her
continuing
on my pointless rant.
I cannot
undo what I have already done.
But I wish
I could have been more thoughtful during it all.”
